Not Anymore
by Chaylay23
Summary: Gus was always there, trailing after Shawn and his crazy schemes... until he wasn't. Shawn/Gus
1. Ghost

Not Anymore.

Gus hadn't gotten the hint until after the high school reunion. He'd always been one to really examine big events later on when he was just crawling into bed. Assuming Shawn wasn't in it.

Shawn had decided to walk Abigail to her car and then disappeared entirely. Gus was sure he'd receive a phone call around 3 am from Shawn either rejoicing or whining. Gus hated those phone calls. If Shawn was excited, Gus felt an overwhelming need to break Shawn. A few times when this feeling came over him, Gus managed to use the information Shawn gave him to showcase Shawn's date in a way that had him never wanting to see her again.

If Shawn was disappointed, Gus felt an uncontrollable need to placate Shawn with distractions. Sometimes he'd bring over sappy teen dramas like the O.C so that Shawn could count the number of times Ryan gave his "oh-so-brooding over the shoulder gaze". Sometimes they'd spend the night just talking. Once they'd watched Wow, Wow, Woobzy for seven hours straight. Good news or bad, Gus wasn't looking forward to the details of Shawn's latest conquest.

Gus had showered, straightened up, and checked the locks. He'd had them changed after he found a copy of his keys in Shawn's desk. He'd just settled down into bed and he tried to sleep but his neurons were still firing. One comment he'd heard from practically everyone at the reunion kept circling his mind. "I thought you'd be a big business man/ doctor/ lawyer by now. You were always so good at _______(insert the name of the one class they remembered him from). I was sure you'd be too busy to make it tonight." It was a cycle of the same sentiments coming from just about everyone. Now that he thought about it, even Mira had said that she'd expected Gus to come looking for her earlier, happily engaged and with a great life.

He'd been hearing those kinds of comment from his mother ever since he joined Psych. He barely had to mention Shawn's name for his mother to launch into her 'Could've Done So Much More With Your Life" speech. Everyone, it seemed, believed that Gus could've made it big, become a big _something_; everyone except Gus.

He'd never really been one to put much stock in 10 year plans. For a guy that liked to plan things out at least 2 weeks ahead, Gus didn't believe he could keep to a 10 year plan. Not with Shawn dragging him along to Mexico or Rio or on tours across America whenever he felt it necessary. No, Burton Guster didn't believe in 10 year plans; but if he did, he knows Shawn would be a part of it. Whether Gus planned it that way or not.

Gus sighed, turning over to turn out his light. He dreamed Shawn had pulled a huge bank heist. He pretended to be some agent for the Treasury Department with a badge he'd gotten in a cereal box. He'd gotten all of the money into Gus's car and was beckoning for Gus, who for some reason was still in his pajamas. "Gus come on! Greenland awaits! We have to see if it's really green."

As usual, when Shawn suggested one of his crazy schemes, Gus started to object. He'd barely gotten his mouth open when a dense fog formed and dissipated to reveal an odd phantom version of Shawn. Only this Shawn was wearing a simple black suit with a blood-red tie. His usual convincing smirk had contorted to form a vindictive sneer. "Run, run little Guster." Gus paused, having seen enough ghost movies to know that disobeying the ghost is never a good idea. He started running towards the car and he was halfway there when Ghost Shawn clothe-lined him with great force.

"Really?" he cried in great disbelief, both eyebrows cocked. "That's all I had to say?" Gus coughed, his chest feeling tight and heavy on his lungs. In all the movies he'd seen, the ghost was never violent… or solid. As if reading his thoughts, Ghost Shawn laughed. "When have you ever known me to follow all the rules?"

Gus nodded, slowly getting to his feet. He coughed a few times, his eyes finally settling on the real Shawn, frozen in time in the front seat of Gus's car. The entire dream world appeared to be frozen in time, aside from Gus and Ghost Shawn. Ghost Shawn held his hand out to help Gus up and didn't look at all put out when Gus warily ignored it.

Gus finally managed to get a word out. "Why?"

"Look at him" Ghost Shawn gestured to Real Shawn frozen in time. "He just committed a bunch of felonies… in_ your_ work vehicle. He's even playing with your work phone." Gus stared at the frozen expression of glee on Real Shawn's face. A shadow of a thought swirled in his mind. _… if it makes him happy_…

Ghost Shawn shook his head in frustration, his teeth clenching as he turned sideways and disappeared, appearing suddenly behind Gus. He shoved him forward into the ground, shaking his head in disgust as Gus rubbed his gravel-scratched face.

Gus didn't understand it. _How can he hurt me? He's a ghost_… in my _dream._ Again, Ghost Shawn answered his thoughts as he rose a few feet above the ground. "Simple; you let me. And if I was exactly like your precious Shawn, don't you think I would spent at least twenty minutes bragging about being able to fly?" _True_, Gus thought.

Gus opened his mouth again as Ghost Shawn started speaking again. "There's no need for you to keep asking questions. This is your dream, Gus. I know your thoughts. Even the one's you have about me when you let your mind wander. And before you have that office fantasy again, you should no that I am not and never have been that flexible. I told you to buy more sensible office furniture, did I not?"

Despite the information, Gus tried to ask his question anyway. "See that's what I'm getting at. You were going to ask me what _I_ want from _you_. Oh come on!" Gus simply watched as Ghost Shawn's face warped into a terrifying expression of pure rage. He dissipated and formed behind Gus again and shoved him harshly forward towards a brick wall that hadn't been there before. He stopped Gus in time to avoid a concussion before shoving Gus backwards onto his ass. "It's pathetic, don't you think? It's fucking pathetic. You're always trailing behind him, letting him walk all over you. What about what you want? What about what you could've been? Do you ever think of yourself?"

Gus stuttered, crawling backwards as Ghost Shawn waltzed toward him, the air barely wavering beneath his phantom feet. He came to rest directly above Gus's body. He smiled wickedly. "Do you think he cares? No, I'm serious, honey." He laughed raucously. "No, do you really think he fucking cares about you half, no a sixteenth as much as you do? Are you shitting me?" He lowered himself to the ground and with a tilt of his head, Gus was falling out of the scene in front of the bank and onto the harsh unforgiving pavement of a rushing freeway in another scene entirely.

Gus yelped and jumped to his feet, spinning in circles looking a for a way out. There were ten lanes and he was in the very middle, on the median balanced on the thin concrete slab. With a flick of his finger, Ghost Shawn sent Gus flying directly in front of a speeding 18-wheeler. And with a snap, the truck stopped millimeters away from Gus, the grill tapping his chest. He pulled Gus to the side of the road and let the traffic resume its dangerous speed.

Ghost Shawn smirked, crossing his arms and for a brief moment, he looked exactly like Real Shawn. So much so that Gus was filled with a feeling of nostalgia. He'd give anything to be back, awake in the Psych office hearing Shawn go on and on about his stupid date. Hell, he'd settle for staying in this dream back at the bank with Shawn. But that scene had disappeared.

_Wait_, Gus thought,_ if you died in a dream, you automatically woke up, right?_Gus nodded to himself and took a running leap at the traffic and he almost made it before what felt like a heap of metal slammed him back. Gus screamed, grabbing at his chest and felt nothing, no pain, no blood, nothing. He opened his eyes to see Ghost Shawn's furious face. If Gus thought he was angry before, it was nothing compared to now. He looked like he wanted to kill Gus in the most painful way possible.

"You idiot! You stupid idiot!" Cold transparent hand gripped his flannel pajamas sending chills straight down Gus's spine. "You can't get to Shawn so you jump in front of traffic. How Shakespearean of you."

Gus gasped for breathe, trying to breathe past the crushed feeling he felt. This was a nightmare worse than any he'd had before. "I wasn't trying to.. I wanted-"

"Stop it, Gus! You can't lie to me; I'm you. You wanted to find Shawn so that he could tell you what to do. Tell you how to think. Well give it up." He crouched low next to Gus's ear. "Give it up, now." He looked held Gus's gaze, smiling sinisterly. "Because it's not gonna happen. It's not going to be that easy."

Gus gave up trying to breathe, losing the staring contest as he did. He rolled onto his back, gravel nicking him. "I'm the voice inside your head that makes you say 'no' about fifty times before your heart makes you say 'yes' anyway. Because you always go along with whatever I say. You always have and you always will say yes to me. It's all you know how to do. You smoked a pack of cigarettes, stole a lawnmower, chased a serial killer. You'll do anything I ask." He sneered as Gus opened his mouth to object. "Don't deny it. You're going to wake up in 2 minutes to listen to me go on and on about my coffee date even though you'd like nothing more than to roll over and go to sleep. Because it kills you, it kills you that I-"

Gus gasped as he jerked awake. Cold sweat ran down his bed as his eyes scanned the room looking for what woke him up. His cell phone was vibrating in circles on his nightstand, Justice ringtone blaring into Gus's nearest ear. Out of reflex, Gus reached out for it, arm blocking out the '3:57' reading on his alarm clock. His thumb hovered over 'accept' when a thought trailed into his head. "…fucking pathetic", "could've been so much more" and "…kills you…", "…would've had a girlfriend by now…".

Before Gus could have second thoughts, he hit the 'ignore' button. And he did it again and again and again 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 30, 40, 50 minutes later when Shawn called again. Around the 57th time, Gus stopped dwelling on it. He shook head as he brushed his teeth, mumbling through the minty foam, "I always come running. Well not anymore."


	2. Blank

"Pick up, pick up!" Gus walked in to hear Shawn whining into the phone. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and noticed that, after putting it on silent, he had eighty-seven missed calls. He sighed and opened the door about three inches before Shawn launched himself into his arms.

"Hey Gus, buddy what happened to you? I've been calling you over and over and over- something wrong with your phone?" Gus opened his mouth to lie, knowing that Shawn wouldn't believe him. He was interrupted anyway. "So I took Abigail to that sweet coffee shop you like to go to. The one with those really good muffins you like. We talked about the new Vin Diesel film. She doesn't believe that he got pec implants but dude, come on, who.."

Gus rolled his eyes, tuning out as he set down his briefcase and settled down in front of his computer. He signed on to check his email. He smiled absently as he noticed a message from Brian Reed. They'd been emailing back and forth for a while now after Gus helped him seal the deal with one of his more difficult clients. He started to open it when he felt a warm weight in his lap.

"Dude, zoning out much? Where were you this morning anyway?" Gus tried to shake the question off when Shawn answered for him. "Were you hanging out with your new BFF Brian? Who is that guy anyway?"

Gus frowned reaching around Shawn to minimize the window. "Stop making assumptions. I do have a life and it doesn't revolve around you." _Not anymore._

"What life, Gus? I am your life." Shawn enveloped Gus in a tight hug. "You need me. I keep life interesting." Gus frowned and pushed Shawn from his lap. "Gus, what's wrong? I was just playing."

Gus nodded, not sure exactly why Shawn's statement had upset him. For distraction, he pulled out his phone to open Brian's email.

_Lunch- 11? Promise no work talk. _

_-B_

Gus started to decline but paused for a moment. He usually ate lunch with Shawn everyday, listening to him go on and on about his newest fascination. Gus occasionally got a word in, but usually Shawn monopolized the conversation eventually. Before he hadn't minded; but now he wasn't so sure. Before he could change his mind, Gus sent out a quick email agreeing. He didn't know what to say to Shawn but he figured he'd deal with it later.

And at 10:45 when he grabbed his jacket and left to meet Brian, he didn't see the hurt look on Shawn's face.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Burton Guster had no secrets. Well, none from Shawn anyway. He knew secrets Gus tried to hide, secrets he'd shared with Shawn and secrets Gus didn't even know he had. Part of it was being able to read Gus's face and another part of it was actual sleuthing. Gus's apartment security was laughable. He hid spare keys in the most obvious places. He'd changed the locks many times but Shawn still knew exactly where to look; under the placemat in the car and underneath the planter outside.

But Brian was different. Gus hadn't even tried to hide him from Shawn. He left his email screen minimized on the taskbar. It was fair game; an open invitation. Half an hour later, Shawn knew everything there was to know about the guy. Brian Simon Reed, 6 foot 4, 32 years old, no kids and no wife, non-smoker, no criminal record (not even a parking ticket). Natural brunette, his mother was Jewish and his father was a physics professor. He was type AB and relatively healthy. He was also relatively boring. Hs secret was pretty interesting at least.

From the way his hugs lasted a little longer with Gus, and the way he held his gaze during their conversations, the way all Gus had to do to get his attention was lick his lips, Shawn could tell. Brian Reed was attracted to Gus. And unbeknownst to him and even Gus, Gus was attracted to him too.

Shawn hated him. He hated the way Brian had stolen Gus away from him. Bit by bit, piece by piece until lunch occasionally turned into lunch everyday and dinners Wednesday and Thursday. It was summer camp all over again. Except Jason had only taken Gus for three days. He hadn't taken parts of Gus for himself and let Shawn have sloppy seconds. It seemed like Shawn couldn't hold Gus's attention for more than three hours. Even less if Brian sent him a text message. He came back later and later to the office after lunch and Shawn knew it was because they lingered outside the restaurant because neither of them wanted to leave. He knew because he'd followed Gus for three days after reading that email.

He knew this had gone too far when after solving a case, Lassiter and the Chief actually complimented him. Without Gus to go along with his crazy hunches and his big reveals, cases had actually turned into _real_ police work. He had come to this realization that day and turned around to comment to Gus and he wasn't there. Gus was always there and now he wasn't. And then, upon further realization, Shawn realized he hadn't seen Gus in two days. _This isn't right, _he thought, _I'm supposed to disappear. He's always supposed to be there._

_____________________________________________________________________________________

"So I'm standing there holding her huge handbag, a sequined fedora on my head with a pair of red heels in my hand. And he still hired me." Brian finished, wide grin splitting his face as Gus laughed, trying not to snort. And when he failed, Brian just snorted along with him. "I was like: this is _exactly _what it looks like. I mean how do you explain that?"

"You can't." Gus agreed, settling down. He looked around the restaurant. After meeting Brian for lunch pretty much daily for five weeks, he still hadn't gotten used to being comfortable in quiet establishments. Shawn always picked fast food or family friendly restaurants. He liked to being able to talk as loud as he wanted. That and the free toys.

He enjoyed spending time with Brian, but the tradeoff had been spending less time with Shawn. He'd gradually progressed to only answering 29 out of his 50 calls. And very rarely did he find himself hurrying to meet Shawn. He still helped with cases but lately Shawn had been working by himself. Gus had developed an affinity for ignoring the deeper meanings behind Shawn's expressions. He'd noticed when the same one's appeared over and over. Pain, jealousy, curiosity and sometimes fear along with anger. Once he even noticed pure hate. It was days later that he realized he'd come back from lunch wearing Brian's jacket instead of his own.

"So I'm having a small get together tomorrow night. I know how you like to plan things weeks in advance but I couldn't work up the courage to ask you. I… well I didn't-" he stammered. Gus found it slightly endearing. Usually he danced around words; e was like Shawn in that sense.

"I'll be there. Lately I haven't felt the need to plan things out as much. I've just been feeling really carefree lately." Gus smiled. "I think-"

A chair from a nearby table spun around to meet their table, proceeding to knock over Gus's drink. Shawn, as cocky as ever, sat down between them. Gus chided himself for the funny quake in the pit of his stomach he always got from seeing Shawn. He felt even more regret as he realized he hadn't seen Shawn in two weeks. When had those shadows under his eyes gotten there?

"Hey guys! Love the soup here. Lots of healthy, hearty vegetables and- hi, I'm Shawn." He shook Brian's hand before turning back to Gus. "Gus-Gus! Long time, no see. What's up? I feel like I hardly know you anymore. Since when do you not plan things years in advance?" He turned to Brian. "His mom and I, we're very close, we have a theory that he planned his birth. She'd been in for a check up and then Gus decided to welcome the world. It was adorable, she even said- so you're having a party?" He cocked an eyebrow.

To his credit, Brian didn't look the least bit intimidated. He just smiled, at Gus, and responding. "Yes, I am. Tomorrow at 8. Gus is welcome to bring you along." He focused his dark eyes on Gus's. "B.Y.C.F" He added, watching Gus snort before coughing. Shawn hated him more, only he was allowed inside jokes with Gus.

Shawn glared at the exchange, feeling like the odd one out. That was usually Gus's job. Shawn shook his head at that thought. Rather than accept Gus's newfound friendship as them growing apart or Gus growing up, he was going to investigate. He was going to treat this like any other Psych case. He was going to find out what made Gus decide to suddenly develop his own life. One that wasn't shared with Shawn.

Shawn stood up as soon as this thought crossed his mind. Nodding goodbye to them, he started to turn to leave when Gus, reluctantly, asked, "Shawn, what happened to your eye?"

"Motorcycle accident." He smiled ruefully. "Usually I can just call you to come get me." _Not anymore._

His answer seemed to startle Gus. "Did you call?"

"No. You haven't been answering too many of my phone calls lately."

Gus frowned at this. "Shawn, it was about the case-"

Shawn slammed his hand down on the table. Finally succeeding in knocking over Brian's drink. Brian didn't say anything, he simply picked up a napkin and started dabbing at the mess. Shawn was reminded of a time when he was younger. Henry had taken Shawn and Gus out to dinner. Gus managed to keep his area nice and clean, no crumbs in sight. Shawn had left his with noodles and pasta sauce all over the table cloth. He never managed to keep nice things. Gus included, apparently.

"But even if it wasn't, even if it was to discuss last night's Heroes or where you put the microwave popcorn, you should've answered, Gus. You always answered before? What the hell happened? Did you lose your roll-over minutes?"

Gus lowered his head, Brian looked uncomfortable, still dabbing at the hopeless stain on the table cloth. Shawn really didn't care how he felt. He was one of the reason's Gus had gone AWOL. When Gus lifted his head, his eyes were blank, almost cold like steel. A look Shawn had only seen him give once in the entire time he'd known him. When Shawn had his first motorcycle accident and the paramedic would only let Henry ride in the back of the ambulance. Gus had said, "I am family," through clenched teeth seconds before punching the guy in the face.

"I'm not going to come running every time you call, Shawn." Gus mumbled, so low Shawn had to lean in to hear. He was enveloped in the unfamiliar smell of Gus's skin. Gus didn't smell like Gus anymore. He felt his tired eyes start to tear at the edges. _Its like I don't even know who you are anymore._

"Gus, Caller ID can only go so far. It's not going to say 'Shawn Spencer: mortal peril'. How will you know when its important?"

Gus sighed as he got up from the table. Shawn tried to continue but Gus pulled him into a tight hug. It was over too quickly in Shawn's opinion.

"What story have I been telling you since we met?" Gus asked, a sad smile on his face. He picked up his jacket, Shawn made sure it was his this time. Brian nodded at Shawn, sliding by after Gus. They left Shawn standing there thinking about what had Gus had said.

He vaguely remembered Gus telling him the story of The Boy who Cried Wolf more often than any other story. He remembered it not for the content but for the bright lights of the flashlight illuminating Gus's face and the hypnotic, unwavering tone of his voice that put Shawn to sleep on Gus's ironed sheets.

He had to get Gus back. He had no choice. He didn't know who he was without Gus.


	3. Impressed

Shawn was pulling hair out. Well not _his_ hair. He was desperate but not that desperate. But now his Bratz doll was looking a little bare and this process hadn't been helping him think much anyway.

He'd gone through all the usual suspects. Had Gus's other job gotten more time consuming? No, on the contrary, with Brian's assistance and cheerful mood, Gus had been finishing all his work either early or on time. His newfound work ethic had warranted pay raise and Gus's name in the hat for a promotion.

Had Gus's parents interfered? No and on the contrary, they were pleased that Gus had finally found a good, healthy was their chosen word, balance for his friendship with Shawn. When he mentioned Gus and Brian's unnaturally close relationship in a last ditch effort to convince Mrs. Guster to be on his side, she surprised him by lowering her head in a shy gesture. She then said, "Brian's a wonderful guy. And while he may not have been my first choice for Gus, he's a fine man to settle down with." She refrained from complimenting him ore at the betrayed look on Shawn's face. The only consolation to this conversation was the lack of compliments spewing from Mr. Guster. He'd been napping at the time but Shawn likes to believe he would've been on his side.

Was it something Shawn had said? He'd barely spoken to Gus at all. And when he had, he was polite. In fact he hated how civil and hopeful his tone was when Gus decided to grace Shawn with his presence, He was like a teenage girl tripping over high heels in an effort to impress him. And he'd never realized just how much he depended on Gus for. He was missing the older man at the weirdest moments. He missed Gus when he ran to the Psych snack fortress for an Oreo fix and all he's found was instant noodles and old pasta sauce. When he went over to his dad's for dinner, he noticed that corn on the cob wasn't as fun without someone to race against or have juggling contests with. He even missed Gus in the shower. Without Gus to buy his special hair conditioner, he was forced to use dishwashing liquid. His hair hadn't moved the same in three hours.

So that left the reunion. Something happened that night to make Gus abandon their friendship for this new "healthy" distanced relationship. But Shawn couldn't figure out the cause and he didn't know where to start.

"So I thought I'd just come right out and ask you." Abigail finished in a rushed breath, fully aware Shawn hasn't heard a single word she'd said. Her brown hair fell into her eyes making her insecurity more apparent. "Do you love me Shawn? We've been seeing each other for almost four months now. Lately all we seem to talk about is Gus."

At this comment, Shawn laughed unpleasantly. "He's a big part of my life. Or at least he used to be." He frowned, his bottom lip going between his teeth. It took a lot to cheer him up lately, even compliments. He'd gotten praise from the Chief and even Lassie's sneer had warmed a bit. But without Gus to play up the mojo with him, cases had started to feel like actual police work. Gus hadn't officially quit Psych but gradually, Shawn had been calling him less about new cases until he was only at the office twice a week. Shawn had started taking as large a caseload as possible. He was working three times as hard, hating the sound of silence in his empty, dirty apartment. Now, whenever he called Gus, Brian was there or on his way. Shawn didn't have to read their emails to know what was going on there. The old Gus never would've worn three polos in a row. Shawn's jaw clenched unconsciously and he tasted blood.

"I know that and on some level I even understand it. I love Gus, believe me, I do. But don't you think you can take a break from wallowing in your self-pity and make time for your girlfriend? When's the last time you came over?"

Shawn ducked his head, massaging his neck. "I've been swamped with cases." His eyes roamed the restaurant. Two baseball caps on two men in the corner of the bar. Along with two matching tan lines on their ring fingers inches apart. He was flooded with the image of Brian's hand possessively on the small of Gus's back when he'd dropped Gus off at the office yesterday. His jaw clenched again, his lip would take a while to heal.

"That's another thing. I'm glad you're doing so well but you hardly have time for anything else anymore."

"Sorry. Vick had been working me pretty hard." _And I've been asking for it._ Shawn sighed, eyes locking on the openly locked hands on the bar.

As if following his gaze Abigail made a frustrated sound and stood from the table, throwing her napkin down. "That's it. I can't take it anymore. Move on, Gus has." She ignored his wince and permanent frown. "You obviously care too much."

And as she stormed out of the restaurant, Shawn mumbled to the table and too himself. "Yeah, but he doesn't."

­­­________________________________________________________________________

Gus kicked off his Pumas, relishing in freedom from the urge to pile his shoes neatly in the closet. He tossed his keys on the end table and his jacket in the general direction of the closet. It was late and he was just getting in from a dinner at Brian's place. He wasn't sure how they'd become so close in so little time but he was surprise with how much he liked him. He was sure if he loved Brian yet, but it was entirely possible. Brian was good for him.

He stripped down to boxers and a t-shirt and started towards the bed. He slid beneath the covers, settling down. He sighed, closing his eyes and he'd started to drift off when he felt a warm palm on his hip. "Shawn, not tonight." He pleaded. He knew he hasn't seen Shawn in a while. From what he heard from Juliet, Shawn had fully immersed himself in work. He heard disappointment in her voice when she mentioned Shawn's lack of antics. Gus cared, he didn't know how not to. Every time he considered calling Shawn, he was haunted by the Shawn in his dream.

Gus rolled over to face Shawn. His breath halted as he took in Shawn's full appearance. His eyes were practically hidden in shadows and his skin was paler than usual. Gus couldn't tell for sure, but he seemed to take up less space than before. Had Gus's disappearance done this?

"Why? Why not tonight? I've finally got you all to myself. Alone." He smiled sadly, reluctantly taking his hand off of Gus's skin, leaving him a little colder than before. "We need to talk. Why not now?"

"Talk about what?" Gus swallowed. He didn't know why he felt so cornered. After all, he'd expected Shawn to pull something like this sooner. And if he wanted to acknowledge the selfish thoughts he'd had, he'd admit that he'd felt a little put out Shawn hadn't tried to talk to him sooner.

"You. And your new boyfriend Brian." Gus frowned but held Shawn's challenging gaze in silence. "You're not even going to deny it?"

Gus laughed solemnly. "Why would I? You're psychic remember?" Shawn smiled and even in the dark, Gus could see its warmth.

"Gus." Shawn choked and took a few breaths before he spoke again. "You really like him, huh?" Shawn whispered, afraid of the answer and that he voice would give out.

"Yeah." Gus admitted, predicting the next question.

"Do you love him?" Shawn bit his lip. A habit he'd developed and perfected artfully.

Gus didn't respond for a while. "I don't know. I think so." Gus told himself Shawn's reaction wouldn't change his opinion of Brian but he wasn't so sure.

"More than me?" Shawn blurted, the darkness hiding his flushed skin.

Gus froze, not sure how to respond. He begged to say 'no' but he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything anymore. "It's different. Complicated." He watched Shawn stare at him, reminding Gus of the Shawn from his dream. He wished more than anything he could understand what Shawn was thinking and feeling.

Shawn leapt from the bed, fury making his frown lines more apparent. "But it is. It fucking is." He took a few deep breaths, covering his mouth and closing his eyes as if it hurt to look at Gus. "It is to me."

Gus wanted to be left alone. He was supposed to go sailing with Brian tomorrow and then to have lunch with his mother. He didn't want to be sitting here with all this new thoughts and ideas clouding his mind. "Shawn I have to sleep. I'm going-'

Shawn sat down on the bed again, ghosting his palm over Gus's covered form. His hand finally hovered over the bare skin the covers didn't reach. "So sleep. I'll wait."

Gus started to object but he decided against it. He sighed and rolled over. He didn't see Shawn's observant eyes roaming his bedroom. He noticed that Gus's anal cleaning style had faded some. His gaze floated from a few shirts and a pair of pants on the floor to some lone socks and shoes. He noticed the blinking light from a new message form Brian on Gus's phone and a foreign jacket on the back of Gus's chair.

"He's been here." Shawn whispered. Curious, Shawn smelled the pillow closest to him. Vanilla. He shook his head, his vision blurring. "He's been right here."

________________________________________________________________________

"Guster! I haven't seen you in forever. I thought you'd finally some to your senses." Gus chuckled along with Henry avoiding the frown on Shawn's face. Shawn had convinced Gus to come to Sunday dinner with Henry. Of course he'd taken Shawn urging to leave Brian out of it as a joke. It wasn't.

Gus shuffled Brian forward, praying for Henry's approval as the older man studied their closely linked hands. Brian was nervous after hearing Gus say over and over how Henry was practically a second father to Gus. This prompted Shawn to make a gay joke that Brian readily laughed along to. Shawn didn't make any jokes after that.

Henry's smile didn't falter as Brian introduced himself as Gus's better half.

Shawn was pissed. All night his father and Brian had been buddy-buddy and it was vomit inducing. Because of course Brian and is father used to camp and hike regularly during the winter in the North. Of course he was brilliant and had graduated from college with the highest degrees and the best contacts. Of course Brian could discuss politics with Henry and a few conspiracy theories too. Of course he ate right and exercised regularly. Maybe he even wrestled a polar bear once, saved an entire Guatemalan family from a burning building. Was a fucking superhero in a past life. Shawn could believe it because Brian was everything Shawn wasn't.

The last straw had been at the end of the night when Henry pulled Gus aside for a surrogate fatherly hug. Shawn heard him whisper, "You've found a good man Gus. Don't let him go."

Clenching his teeth as he stormed out onto the porch, Shawn kicked over the wicker chairs. He heard his father saying goodbye to the happy couple. "Come back soon Gus or I'll hunt you down." Shawn picked the chairs up and sat down in one feeling more and more like he was eight years old again. Henry sat down across from Shawn, smile still present. "That Brian, he's a—"

"-nice guy. Yeah, I know. He's better for Gus than I ever was. How could he have been so stupid to hang out with me all these years?" He'd tried and failed to keep the dejection out of his voice.

Henry stared at his nails, trying to refrain from speaking for as long as possible. When he finally replied, he kept his voice light. "Shawn, you realize they're together, right?"

"Yes, Dad. I knew before Gus did." He muttered, chewing on his lip remembering Brian's hand on Gus's back.

"Then you see how their relationship is different from yours."

"No, I don't. All I see is Gus's back as that douche bag keeps taking him away from me." Shawn spat.

"Shawn, you knew this would happen eventually. One of you would fall in love and then your relationship was going to have to change."

"I never left him for-"

"Brian means more to Gus than your one-night-stands-"

"Abigail-"

Henry sat back, satisfaction on his face. "Ah, yes, Abigail. And what happened to her?"

Shawn frowned, lowering his head. "She dumped me."

"Shawn-"

"I don't need this lecture right now. I've been beating myself up enough for the both of us. I think I deserve a night off." Shawn jumped off of the porch and set off in the direction of his bike.


	4. Consumed

Shawn had been riding around aimlessly for an hour now. He didn't want to go home to his empty, filthy apartment and he didn't have a case to distract him. Every time he closed his eyes, an image of Gus holding Brian's hand as he backed out of the driveway. He remembered the way Brian grabbed Gus's arm when he told Henry about a big promotion. Brian's hand smoothly cupping Gus's cheek when he wanted his attention. He was always touching Gus, constantly. Shawn clenched his teeth, starting to head towards Gus's apartment.

He silently hoped Gus was either alone or at Brian's. When he climbed through the window, he didn't see any sign of Brian's presence. No clothes on the floor or empty glasses on the table. He made his way to Gus's room, taking off his shoes and his jacket and shirt as he went.

He knew he shouldn't but Gus's apartment felt more like home these days. A few times this month he'd been sneaking in through Gus's windows. If Gus was home, Shawn watched him for a while before leaving silently. If he wasn't, Shawn climbed into bed, always sleeping on the left side; on Gus's side. He fell asleep almost soundly, hating the smell of vanilla that lingered on parts of his body in the morning.

Tonight, Shawn's fatigue clouded his usual perceptiveness. He started towards Gus's bed when a sudden voice startled him. "You can't keep doing this, Shawn."

Shawn let out a frustrated sigh. "So what, I can't sleep in your room anymore?" Gus gave him an odd look. "Look, you won't even know I'm here."

"Why are you here? Why do you keep coming here?" Gus asked, stepping into the light. He was wearing a pink pinstriped shirt Shawn hadn't seen in a while. He was struck once again with just how much he'd missed Gus.

"Because I can't sleep. I miss you." Shawn frowned, his head pounding. He hadn't eaten much all day and he seemed to be getting less and less sleep everyday. "See? You win, Gus. I need you more than you ever needed me."

Gus shook his head, eyes wide and surprised. "This wasn't a contest, Shawn—"

"Then what the hell is it? What made you hate me so much, so fast?" Shawn demanded.

Gus's face hardened and he lowered his head. It was a while before he said anything, his voice so soft and subtle. "I don't hate you."

"Well it's sure not the opposite. You ditched me for that… that guy. You completely avoid me and when you do talk to me, it's just work. Is it Brian? Did he tell you stop seeing me?"

"Shawn."

"Because if he did, tell me where he is. I'll tell him where he can stick his stupid sugg—"

"Shawn." Gus stepped closer and Shawn really wished he wouldn't because he could smell Gus from a mile away. Gus didn't even smell like Gus anymore. Underneath the smell of lavender and fabric softener, Gus smelled like vanilla. It was symbolic of the new Gus; the one that didn't belong to Shawn anymore.

Shawn swallowed and continued. "Because you don't just throw away twenty years of friendship for a piece of ass. I don't care how much better he is for you." Shawn took a breath and started to speak again when Gus pulled him into a tight hug. He ignored the tightening in his throat, the vice around his heart and held Gus with as much of a grip he could keep. "Gus." He prayed Gus hadn't heard his voice crack as he was being pulled into bed.

"You can stay. But just tonight. I mean it. You have to stop coming here, Shawn."

Shawn nodded eagerly, pulling the covers over both of them. "Yes, Gus-Gus."

"I'm serious, Shawn."

"Because you and Brian want to be alone."

"Because I'm giving up my apartment." Gus admitted slowly, listening to Shawn's steady breathing.

"You're moving in together." Silence. "Right?"

"I'm going to sleep." Gus rolled over, his heat leaving the right side of Shawn's body cooler.

Shawn lat up in bed for forty-five minutes, not saying a word. Then, "Gus." No response. "Gus." He repeated his name in the same monotone drone about six times before he reached out a shaking hand. He placed his palm on Gus's shoulder, rolling him over to see a very awake Gus.

"Gus." He said and just because he could, he repeated his name until Gus's gaze met his own. "Gus, I—"

In a sudden movement, with a speed Shawn didn't think Gus was capable of, the older man sat up, cradling Shawn's face in his hands. He leaned his forehead against Shawn's, closing his eyes. "What, Shawn?" he whispered.

"Gus, what going to happen to us?" he barely managed to get the words out in a steady breath. He wasn't sure if he was containing fear or anger.

"It's just a couple of miles away."

"But—"

"And I'll still be at work."

"Gus." Shawn persisted, bringing his hands up hold Gus's on his face. He was surprised at their warmth but it only made him feel worse.

"I don't know, Shawn." He finally admitted solemnly. Gus felt conflicted. He thought he was doing the right thing. But he wasn't able to shake the need to see Shawn happy. "I just—"

Shawn slammed his weight forward, into Gus's shadowed frame, forcing the older man into the bed. He didn't have time to focus on the sudden pleasure at having Gus's bare skin underneath his. He lost all train of thought when their lips met. He choked back a laugh small sound Gus made in the back of his throat and he barely contained a moan when Gus's hands settled on the exposed small of his back. It was like being burned everywhere that Gus's palms reached, burning from the inside out.

He consumed Gus, his mouth eagerly making quick work of Gus mouth, his neck, his shoulders. He let Gus's responses guide his movements. All he could concentrate on was the need to make Gus his again. Unabashedly, Shawn marked Gus's skin with little nips and full on bites wherever he deemed fit.

He bit at the tender skin beneath Gus's jaw and Gus could barely make out what Shawn was murmuring under his quick breaths. He only knew they were becoming more urgent and demanding, his grip on Gus's sides tightening until it was almost painful.

His hands were everywhere, as if he was trying to touch as much of Gus as possible. His breath had become so rushed he could hardly breathe. His chest rose and fell out of tune with Gus's and his skin started to flush.

"Shawn." Gus stopped, eyeing Shawn' with a worried expression. "Shawn, stop."

"No, I can do this." Shawn shook his head, shoving Gus's hands away in the process. "I can be this for you. You don't need him."

Gus shook his head, his face pained. "You don't have to. Not if you don't want to." He stood up, climbing over Shawn and out of bed. "What am I doing?"

"But I want to." Shawn insisted, following Gus. He probably shouldn't have been so impulsive but it was just his nature. And now that he knew what he wanted, or just how much he could have, he didn't regret it. Not at all. His heart pulled at his chest as he eyed the marks his teeth had left on Gus's skin. It felt perfectly normal to wrap his arms around Gus's waist. He guided them over to Gus's mirror.

Seeing Gus's objection, Shawn shook his head. "No, look." Shawn gestured to their reflection. "This is the way it's supposed to be. You and me; together forever."

"Brian's more than a best friend, Shawn. I love him."

Shawn grimaced. "No you don't. I'm everything you need."

"In a friend, yes. He's everything you can't give me.—"

"You've never asked. Why don't you ever ask—" Shawn kept his vice as Gus tried to break free.

"Shawn, let me go."

"We can go back to the way it was before. Let's just go to sleep and then we can fix this in the morning—" Shawn pleaded, sensing that Gus was slowly pulling free. But he'd come too far to let it go again.

"No." Gus lowered his head, unable to look Shawn in the eye. "I can't."

"You won't try!" he shouted, the sudden volume making Gus jump.

"I think you should go." Gus said, finally breaking free. He pushed past Shawn and out of the bedroom. "Please."

Shawn left Gus sitting on the bed staring out his bedroom window, marks and bruises on his neck, jaw and shoulders. His mind clouded with possibilities he'd never considered before.


	5. Recall

"I'm in Seattle" Shawn answered, frustration apparent. He could hear the disappointment in his father's sigh. It never got old even as his father aged. He could read his father's sounds like an encyclopedia with almost all the pages.

"Of course you are. Look Shawn, if this is about Gus then aren't you being a little immature? So you lost your favorite toy; it was bound to happen eventually."

"What?" Shawn was jerked out of his thoughts, watching the raindrops play chase on the window.

"Well you had to realize at some point that Gus would get tired of always following after you and taking care of you."

"What are you talking about? I've never asked Gus to do any of that?" Shawn insisted.

"But he did, didn't he? He took care of you and went with you wherever you went. Jumped in front of flying objects for you—"

"That was once and it was eighth grade—"

"You couldn't have expected him to keep that up forever." Henry finished.

"But why did he have to stop so suddenly?" Shawn asked, holding his phone closer to his ear. The man next to him was eyeing him oddly, he knew he sounded a little frantic but he didn't believe it warranted staring.

"Think about, around what time did he start to change?" Henry fed Shawn the clues skeptically. They seemed so obvious to him and he couldn't see why Shawn couldn't put them together.

"After the reunion. That night actually." He added.

"And what happened that night?"

Shawn tried to remember. He drew and a picture of chatting up Abigail by the punch bowl while A- Ha played in the background. He concentrated on what was going on behind Abigail's head. Gus was smiling sadly as one of his old science teachers was talking to him. Shawn tried to read his lips. "I expected you to be a successful doctor or a big business man by now, Guster. You were always a delight in class."

He frowned and conjured another memory. Gus was coming down from the stage after Shawn's speech. Jessica Hawkins had cornered Gus, a drink in hand. "So where is she? I can't imagine you came here alone. If I wasn't married I'd snatch you up myself." Gus smiled and answered politely.

"Actually I came here with Shawn." At her sudden interest, he explained more thoroughly. "Not _with_ Shawn. As friends."

She took a thoughtful sip of her martini. "I was sure you'd be married by now, Guster." She tapped him lightly on the arm and excused herself, her heels clicking as she drunkenly walked away. Gus frowned and leaned his head back against the wall. Shawn read his lips as he mumbled "Me too."

"Shawn pulled up several events from that night. Many of them similar. Lots of classmates and teacher appeared so shocked to learn that Gus was working as a pharmaceutical rep and single. How had Shawn not noticed that? How had he not noticed how upset Gus looked? _Simple, I didn't care, _Shawn thought, _I was wrapped up in Abigail. No wonder he left._

"He said 'I'm not going to come running every time you call.' I didn't know what that meant. Everyone kept saying they expected Gus to have done more with his life." Shawn recounted, knowing his father could hear the regret in his tone.

"Uh-huh, and what did you say?" Henry bored.

"Something stupid about caller-id." Shawn slid out of the booth, grabbing his jacket. "Listen dad, I need you to book me a flight back."

"Just do it, please." Shawn insisted, pulling out his umbrella.

"Shawn, Gus isn't going to drop everything because you say so." Henry stated but Shawn could hear the familiar of his computer's browser.

"I know that. That's not what I want. Not anymore anyway."

"Then what is it you want?"

"It's not important; it's his turn to call the shots."

"And if this is what he really wants?"

"I'll keep the lease on my apartment."

"Shawn, Santa Barbara is big enough for you and Brian you know."

"Maybe. But if I stayed, I couldn't guarantee I won't stop trying."

* * *

Gus grinned, kissing Brian goodbye. "Tell her 'hello' for me." Brian nodded, stealing another kiss before settling down inside the car and shutting the door. He backed out waving to Gus as he disappeared from Gus's view.

Gus walked inside turning lights off as he made his way to his room. Well, his and Brian's bedroom. That was still a new concept to him. He'd only really dwelled on it the other day when he saw a painting he wanted to hang in his bedroom and then realized he would have to consult Brian first. It took some getting used to and surprisingly his parents had taken to the idea faster than he had.

They were surer than he was. His sister, Joy, had even bought them the large sleigh bed as a house warming gift. And maybe under different circumstances, he would be able to accept the support. If it was coming from the person he needed the most.

The last Gus had heard, Shawn was in Portland; or was it Baltimore? No one knew, not even Henry. He'd rented the Psych office out to an old friend from Austin. What hurt the most was that Gus had received this information in an email. He hadn't even bothered to call.

Gus sighed, stripping down to his boxers. He entered the shared bedroom to see Shawn sitting on the bed in a black suit and blood red tie. Of all the things he could think of say, "Where the hell have you been?", "An email, really? I didn't even earn a phone call?", "Are you okay?"; what came out was "What are you wearing?"

Shawn couldn't stop the smile spreading across his face as he observed the bemused look on Gus's face. "My work uniform. I was working as an event coordinator. Pay was awesome, shitty weather though. "

Before he knew it, Gus was rushing forward and enveloping Shawn in a tight embrace. "I missed you so much. So much you don't even know." Shawn's breath was warm against Gus's neck.

""I thought you promised not to do that to me again. I mean an email Shawn?" Gus chided, holding Shawn closer still.

"I didn't know how to tell you. But listen," Reluctantly Shawn pulled back from Gus's embrace, "We need to talk. I know why you started pushing me away."

Gus looked surprised. "You do?"

"The reunion. Gus," he watched as Gus sighed and sat down on the bed. "Why didn't you tell me what everyone was saying?"

"I didn't want to interrupt you. You were having such a great time with—"

"Yeah but you weren't. You could've said something and we could've left. We could've rented a movie and ordered Chinese." Shawn stated.

Gus laughed quietly. "You know I never would've done that to you. No matter how bad a time I was having."

Gus looked up to see Shawn with an annoyed look on his face. "But why Gus? Who would you just sit there being miserable and not say anything? Why would you do all that just so that I could get a number I would only call fifteen times?"

"It's just who I am." Gus admitted. "Who I was anyway."

"That's another thing I don't get. Why did it have to be all or nothing? I would've been fine if you'd just stopped doing everything for me."

Gus frowned. "Not after I tried leaving you alone freshman year. You ate Instant Noodles for two months straight. You didn't even know where the grocery store was. You still don't know."

Shawn smiled, flushing as he took Gus's hand, not at all surprised at the pull in his stomach. He reasoned it was because he'd been thinking about it for so long. "I admit I don't do too well on my own."

"I just needed a break from following you from one crazy scheme to the next. And I found Brian along the way. I—"

"If you say 'I found myself' I will shoot you where you stand, Guster." Shawn joked, laughing as Gus pushed him.

"Shut up."

"Fine. I took you for granted and I'm sorry. You don't realize how good you have it until it's gone.

He met Gus's stare, placing his right hand tentatively on Gus's neck. Shawn pulled him into a soft but searching kiss before burying his face into Gus's chest, the smell of lavender and fabric softener making his eyes tear. He breathed the moment in, whispering apologies into Gus's skin. He stole a few more kisses, relishing in the new but somehow familiar feeling. He didn't know exactly when he drifted off, just that Gus's hands never left him, even as he slept.


End file.
